carrying the load...

Dad is carrying the heaviest of loads. When he can't sleep he thinks, his mind considers that which is to come and a lot of that was has been, from the different procedures he has gone through in the recent past to the wonder of "how come no Dr. found anything when I so often said, "I don't feel good!" and now I am facing what? I talked with Dad for sometime at lunch, Mom went out with my Aunt for a bit today and Dad & I had lunch together at their apt. It's tough to see his clothes hang off his body, his arms so thin...but yet there is no pain and he talks until he tires...which isnt' long but it's nice to be able to have these moments to treasure. His strength is quickly fading but he manages to get around the apt. slowly without a walker, shuffling along...the sound of his slippers on the carpet are forever going to be in my head. We have had a routine for what seems like an eternity....when I leave their apt. I stand at the door and chat a moment with Mom, Dad stays in his chair...always has....and just before I head out the door...I say "bye Dad"...he replies, with either..."bye" or "see ya later"...oh...and the odd time he will say "you'll call tonight?" yeah Dad, I always do...always will....from now until ...well, I always will.

getting ready for battle.....

Every day is a battle.
Spiritual, physically, emotional and sometimes mental.
My Dad is dealing with all those battles possible at this time. But battles are won each and every day, not always won in the way 'we' would see them....I know Dad's condition is grave and worrisome. But for this moment in time, he continues to be pain free and at home where he can rest in his own bed, eat the food his wife makes and contentment is simple. The battle within the physical is going to be moving ahead, the strategy will alter as he is going to go for the mediastinoscopy the Doctors require before seeing Oncology brought into the picture. Spiritual, we pray for God to breathe strength into his slight and frail human body, that He would give the gift of endurance and patience to Mom as she walks this walk along beside Dad, daily. Praying that Dad's own spirit would be gathering forces for the battle that is yet to come, and those heavenly guardians would surround him keeping him safe and secure in God's hands whilst he wages war on that which has caused him to deteriorate physically over these past few months.

Great friends have been allies, sending prayers, concern and care, warm hugs and even a jar or two of home-made soup (thanks L.)- all gestures of friendship and love. All have been welcomed and we are so thankful.....the Lord has supplied us with a wealth of "pillars" to hold us up, care for us and encourage us as we continue this difficult walk.

There are blessings to be found even in the gray days.

as the world turns.....

I remember a moment when.....
we were driving down the road heading to my father-in-laws funeral - my husband's Mom said "I don't know how the world continues to turn with out Dad". It was like everyone should KNOW and UNDERSTAND that someone they loved was taken off the earth and their heartache should be felt universally.
I felt similar feelings yesterday, how can the world be buzzy about when I am so tired and my Dad is so ill, Mom is exhausted and yet decisions need to be made about more testing, then when/what treatment can be in the mix.

But, the world continues to turn and life goes on. Routine stuff keeps our minds from "thinking" too much, mundane things like eating and cleaning are mindless chores but keep our hands busy,
books take me away for an hour or two to a land far,far away....all things we do to keep from letting ourselves drown in the facts.
A beautiful little ray of sunshine has been our daughter's lovely smile at our door, her concerned voice on the phone, acts of kindness, little Molly's sweet little voice and presence now and again bring sunshine and warmth, friends care and concern seem to be a solid pillar to lean on when one feels like crumbling on to the floor exhausted and overwhelmed....prayers from your mouth to God's ear and His strength aids us to walk a difficult walk in a dark valley with only His light to guide us through. I feel sometimes like I'm in a "maze" not sure which way to turn, who to ask for assistance, the questions that need to be asked, am I asking the right ones to the right people, struggling for information and searching the internet for hours, finding an answer to one question only to realize another has popped up in it's place......finding the place to get plugged into has been interesting and challenging but rewarding when solutions are at hand and Mom's concerns and worries in dealing with everyday things for Dad are put to rest. Keeping my brother's informed constantly, replying to their questions and concerns....I'm thinking an assistant just might be needed if I had any more siblings! The days in the past few weeks seem to have 48 hours in each one instead of the usual 24....but, all in all we are hanging in there.

Walking the halls of the hospital one realizes how fortunate "good health" really is and how much we take it for granted each and every day......life may throw us curves now and then...like the new vehicle did not come in yet, the ice-cream melted before getting home, the
light bill needed to be paid yesterday, the house won't be ready to move into as soon as we thought, we need a new couch....everyday curves...but when one get a "knuckle ball" thrown at you like your health is in jeopardy then little else matters.

and the world continues to turn......

Dad

Today, we had a consultation with the Dad's Doctors.
He has lung cancer, as well as a secondary cancer in his bowel, they believe.

The only treatment would be a single, possible double, radiation to shrink the mass in his right lung. Anything beyond that is up to God, how long Dad will be with us...I dunno, keeping him as pain free as possible will be our quest, to keep him comfortable and as content as can be expected is the only goal we will be searching for. My brother from Alberta was here to partake of the consultation, for that I am thankful. Mom is taking the news with heart on her sleeve, but she is a "tough old bird" like my sister-in-law says....and she's independent, those characteristics will take her a long way down this road. My other brother in Australia, well, he will read it via e-mail and we have a planned phone call for tonight.

I have moments were I think very rationally, then in the blink of an eye....I'm sobbing and can't think beyond breathing in and out. This is my Dad....my Dad. The Dad who thinks I'm the smartest, do anything, achieve the amazing, prettiest gal on the face of the planet Earth.
My Dad - a rock from the foundation of which I have grown is being shaken and taken away, no he is not the cornerstone of my life....but it will take time for my foundation to re-adjust and I will remain strong....just a little shaky for awhile.

determination....

Today Dad has his biopsy, he will be transferred to a different hospital for the procedure.
I did not sleep well, again. It's difficult not to let the mind race about. In an hour from now, Dad will begin the process of "knowing". The time has finally come when we should KNOW something!

tracks of my tears....and fears....

What an emotional day.
Dad was in so much pain Monday night, it was really difficult having to leave him and go home.
He was waiting to be actually "admitted" and placed in a bed in a ward. As we left the hospital, I noticed the window we were passing was actually the one I had been looking out of while we waited with Dad in ER. I stopped and peaked in, yep, there was Dad. He looked so forlorn, frail and his eyes were huge....good grief. I told Mom she should wave at him, maybe he would see. So, she got right up against the window and waved with a big smile, he noticed and lifted his hand in farewell.

Tuesday, Brett and I went up at noon to see Dad. They were putting him through more tests, more ...more...more. I realize the process needs to be done, but it was taking it's toll. Dad was not in pain anymore, so that was a relief. But he looked so tired. He was in for more tests in the afternoon. We went up directly after work and took Mom up with us. Dad was exhausted. He was sound asleep when we walked into his room, Mom leaned over and gently rubbed his arm. He woke up saying "how did I get here?"...he thought we had taken him home! Sorry Dad not yet. After a few minutes of confusion he realized he was still in hospital and began to tell us about his afternoon of tests....poor guy. But, the Doctors are ruling things out slowly and we are coming to a few conclusions of what is going on and what isn't.
Wednesday is one more test. Then Thursday/Friday will be a biopsy of the lung. The process of testing is coming to a conclusion, slowly....but at least we will KNOW.

My humble thanks to each of you who have prayed for us, Mom said yesterday she believed that is how Dad actually had the strength to get through these tests!! These have been difficult days, emotionally and physically....but we are not finished yet.....and we plan on finishing STRONG!!

keep walking...one foot in front of the other....just keep walking...

Yesterday was a good day. We spent the day with Mom and Dad, Dad had a good day, he ate well and had a very restful nap.
Today, I went over to their apt. for lunch, Mom met me at the door. Moments later, we were all enroute to the hospital. Dad was in pain.
He is admitted to hospital. More tests tomorrow. Calls to siblings and friends. Friends calling with encouragement and prayers.

Waiting, wondering....more waiting. Pondering, worrying, fear, and angst.
Waiting, wondering...more waiting.

that's my job, that's what I do...

It's a line from a old country tune sung by Conway Twitty. I would want to give Dad thanks, want to do something in return for something he had done for me...but his answer was always the same,....no..no..no! "That's my job, that's what I do."

Today, we sorta reversed roles. The ambulance took Dad to the hospital and I met him there.
Mom is exhausted and did not go up with Dad. I sat by his side throughout the day, throughout the tests, answered questions when he would look over at me like a lost soul and I was, thankfully, able to answer them for the medical staff. Dad is back home tonight. What does the future hold...I dunno....but, I do know that being by his side is my job. ' Cause now it's time to say to him - "that's my job, that's what I do" .... actually I did say that as I left him to rest in his own chair tonight...when he tried to say thanks for being by his side.

Here are the lyrics to that song that my Dad referred to often.....

                        
I woke up cryin' late at night - when I was very young
I had dreamed my father - had passed away and gone
My world revolved around him - I couldn't lie there anymore
So I made my way down the mirrowed hall and tapped upon his door.

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid!
How would I go on, with you gone that way?
Don't wanna cry anymore
So may I stay with you?"

And he said,
"That's my job, that's what I do
Everything I do is because of you
To keep you safe with me ...
That's my job, you see."

Later we barely got along - this teenage boy and he
Most of the fights it seems - were over different dreams
We each held for me ...
He wanted knowledge and learning - I wanted to fly out west
"Said I could make it out there - if I just had the fare
I got half, will you loan me the rest?"

And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid
Theres no guarentee in the plans I've made
And if I should fail, who will pay my way back home?"

And he said,
"That's my job, that's what I do
Ev'rything I do is because of you
To keep you safe with me ...
That's my job, you see."

Every person carves his spot - and fills the hole with life
And I pray someday I might - light as bright as he.

Woke up early one bright fall day - read the tragic news
After all my travels, I settled down - within a mile or two
I make my livin' with words and rhymes - and all the tragedies
Should go into my head and out instead - as bits of poetry.

But I say, "Daddy I'm so afraid
How will I go on - with you gone this way
How can I come up - with a song to say, "I love you."

"That's my job, that's what I do
Ev'rything I do is because of you
To keep you safe with me ...
That's my job, you see."

Welcome to Saskatoon, land of living skies and learning to prevent the flood....

The City of Saskatoon has posted this information on their web site...I just thought I'd pass it along.

Flood prevention in your home and yard is your responsibility. Here are some tips to help reduce your risk of a flood:

(Some tips involve snow shovelling which is heavy work. Consider doing a bit at a time and please use care and caution. Get help if you have health concerns.)

• Remove snow from around your foundation. Pay particular attention to the areas around window wells.
• Most lots drain along the outside edges. Remove snow from these areas.
• Keep the snow in your yard. Shovelling onto streets or lanes could block drainage.
• Help keep catch basins clear. Where possible, safelyclear snow, ice, and debris from the catch basins in your area.
• Clear snow and ice from around the bottom of your downspouts and extend downspouts at least two metres so water drains away from your foundation.
• Check your roof and eavestroughs for excess snow. Consider hiring a professional to clear snow from your roof. A roof rake may help to clear snow and debris from the edge of your roof.
• Consider using sandbags to block water from entering low lying areas beside your foundation.
• If water is getting close to your foundation, use an appropriate pump to drain it to the gutter or back lane. Please use all equipment properly and follow safety guidelines.

We have done a few of these things...but I think the flooding is reality...especially when and IF it happens quickly. oh, boy....
Tonight conversation was about buying sump pumps...go figure, and snow removal. Awareness and planning ahead are our best defense.....okay, and maybe building an ark.
Were does one get sand bags? I've never heard of a roof rake...know any professional roof rake-type of people? I think we need a little more planning in our house, maybe a little more information...but we do have a sump pump...and plenty of shovels.....and we have moved a large amount of the snow away from the house.....so...maybe...just maybe....

different as night and day....

Yesterday was stressful. Yesterday was filled with waiting and wondering. Yesterday was a long and grueling day of anxiety and then relief came.

Today was routine. Then this evening was filled with a bonfire, roasted marshmallows, barbequed hot dogs and skating, hockey and sleighing down a hill....watching Molly with her Uncle and Auntie was such a pleasure. The attentive outlook they had over little Molly was sweet to witness. Her little button nose was pink and her cheeks so rosy....she had a wonderful time and rest assured that she will sleep well tonight with all that fresh air....it was a perfect winter evening. There was no wind, the weather had warmed up and everyone was enjoying just getting out of the house and sharing some laughs.

Whereas yesterday will filled angst, today was routine and then fun, food and frolic.....what a roller coaster life can be....

I guess we just hang on for the ride.

update ....

Well, Dad is at home, resting.
He had a wild ride today. But, considering the way it could have went but didn't we are happy.
The CT scan showed no sign of cancer, but the other procedure showed a hernia that has the bowel going completely through it. The hernia would be like a "doughnut" around the bowel, it may never be a problem, it could also squeeze the bowel and if that were to happen Dad's life would be in danger. Surgery is the only answer, the decision when and how, or even if, is up to Dad, Mom and the Doctors. Right now, we are celebrating the fact that he has no cancers and they have located a problem that could be made right through surgery. Dad is very, very tired. But glad to be home where it's quiet.

I thank each of you for your thoughts and prayers for me and my family. Just knowing that you were bringing our names to God gave comfort, knowing He was walking with us added strength and resolve to each hour of the day. My humble thanks.

Onward we go......

and one more to go....

Mom leaned over to Dad while he waited in the bed to have his procedure done and asked "is your heart racing?"
He replied "no."
Good grief, mine was like a runaway train.
The entire day was filled with waiting, wondering and waiting. It was difficult to watch Dad in some pain but when it finally began to subside and by the end of the evening his color was a little better from the blood transfusion. Mom was good throughout the day, let tears fall a couple of times, became exhausted and needed a change of scenery a couple of times where she would walk to a waiting room...but your in a place where people are talking about their ailments ...you're basically surrounded, conversation is not uplifting and she was beginning to wear down. The nurses were fantastic, when they suggested I take Mom to the waiting room....we would peek around the corner to see Dad and each time we did a nurse was there rubbing his arm and quietly speaking with him....comforting on both sides!
It was a long, long day. The Doctor admitted Dad for overnight due to his being so weak, etc.
Today we are back up at the hospital and Dad will have a CT scan, and another procedure...
then maybe...just maybe we will know why Dad has been 'fading' the way he has......

here we go....round two.

Tomorrow....tomorrow....

I spend the day in the hospital tomorrow.
My 84 year old Dad is having a procedure done, it should affirm what the Doctor believes to be the reason his blood is so terribly low. The Doctor tried pills, shots and diet to have his blood be raised to a normal level, all that has failed...it continues to drop. My arm is now larger than my Dad's, he cannot twist open a jar lid, he is worn out after having a shower...he lays and rests to regain the strength he loses after such a ordinary task, Dad is pale and at times his eyes are so "open wide" he looks like a deer that got caught in headlights. Life is draining away. He is fading from this life.
It breaks my heart to watch him, slowly become a frail shell of what he once was. This is the man that personified patience, as he carved wood into a amazing piece of furniture, watched over me as I fumbled to learn how to use a skill saw, a drill and sandpaper - he believed in me - that I would learn, be careful and do it the right way if he just guided me through. He through example taught me honesty is a worthy friend and ally. Dad has shown me throughout my life what humble looks like, modest is something that comes from within yourself as you give out to others. He is my biggest fan, my quiet and noble Dad. I am aware he is not perfect, he used to cuss like a sailor, actually I think he may have taught them a word or two, his faults when they arose were few, but dandys! But, always he was THERE. When I smucked up the car in my early days of driving, he never yelled at me...calmly asked what happened and we went about the process of repairing my damaged ego and his damaged car. When I slammed the back door out of anger, he gently would call me back and ask me not to return to the scene as an emotional teenager....but to remember that doors are not slammed shut in anger...they are always thoughtfully and gently closed....and I could leave, but return in 30 minutes and finish the conversation....AFTER, I gently closed the back door! Over the years I have witnessed how love for my Mom was unconditional, in each and every circumstance life threw them, in good times and not so good times, he was never going anyway but was always by her side. Well, except when it came to hospital visits...and that in hindsight was just as well he did not attempt to visit as we would have been lifting him off the floor and watching out for Mom. Dad and hospitals don't mix, he sorta faints....pretty much every time he has to be in one...he has a bit of a "moment" lets say. So...tomorrow, when we enter the doors to the hospital we are covered in courage, strength and grace of God.....tomorrow we will likely understand what it is that is causing him to be in this state of health. Tomorrow I will be the one to watch over him, to hold him up in case he struggles, to pick him up if need be and see him safely home....the roles are reversed a bit, but the love Dad has for his daughter will add to the strength I get from my heavenly Father....we will walk strong and tall....together.

tomorrow....tomorrow......

concentrated effort....

My conscience told me that I needed to make more of a concentrated effort in recycling...so I have added a few more bins to my recycling area and am trying to be very aware of what I am putting in the garbage when I could be throwing it in the recycle bin. Last month I did recycled all our milk containers because the money would be going to Telemiracle...but just because the money goes to Telemiracle doesn't mean I don't continue to recycle my milk containers...it was nice to know that the money would be used in a specific place. Uh...I should explain that we drink a LOT of milk so there is a LOT of containers!!...as well,...if you don't wash those puppies out...wow...can they stink!! ew.

Our grand-daughter went on a date with her Daddy last night. He took her to the sock-hop at the school, he teaches there. He called his wife to pass along that Molly was doing the "locomotion" with some girls there....I can only imagine the smile on little Molly's face being on the dance floor and putting on her dancing moves. Too much fun!!

It was my day off yesterday and I surprised our Tess. Tess and I had talked on the phone the other day and she was a little down, too much snow, too much work, too much...too much...we chatted for a bit and I said maybe a bath. You know the bath every woman talks about but seldom does,,...the candles, low lighting, soaking in perfumed water....she thought it was a pretty good idea....after I hung up the phone I got to thinking. My working Mom used to say that the best part of Friday's was her coming home and knowing the cleaning lady had been there. Mom did not have to do the cleaning routine on her day off....even though by the time she could afford a cleaning lady there was just Mom and Dad living at home!! ...it still made a huge difference in her weekend off. So, I made arrangements and yep, I went over and did some freshening up of their place. I spent two hours there, and when I left I put a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. It felt great knowing that I had done something for someone....did not cost me money, only my time and that was well spent. She was so appreciative....yeah, it was a little effort on my part but so very well worth it!!