We went away for part of the weekend. We did not go very far - about 40 minutes away from Saskatoon. But where we were had no cell service. I was uneasy the entire time. Always wondering about Dad, on edge and worrying about Mom...how things are with them, is everything okay. It was difficult to relax, if not impossible.
We were listening to some music being played by a local band and my husband leaned over to me and asked if I was relaxing yet? He knew I was uptight and anxious, but he was hopeful I would let my shoulders down and little....just a little. We did have some quiet time around a blazing fire and I did relax during that time, chatting with some friends we had not seen in over 30 years!!
Wow.
It was good to get home, hear Mom's voice and talk with her. I slept solid on Sunday night!
It was also comforting to go to their place at noon today and see Dad come slowly around the corner.....he's so tired, so thin....but he makes the effort cause his girl is their to share lunch with them. That's my Dad.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
reality sets in
Mom took Dad to the Cancer clinic on Wednesday. She wanted to just take a taxi, figured it was going to be a routine visit, x-ray and some blood work. But it turned out to be more....the Oncologist has given Dad about six weeks left to be on this earth. Hard news to take.
I am not ready to let him go. My emotions run like a roller coaster, one minute I can handle talking about him, the next I am in tears at the thought of him. He is hooked up to oxygen now and there is tubing running over their floor...it should help him with his labored breathing. Mom looks tired most of the time, daily chores become very labor intensive. My brothers stay in touch with my parents daily, now.
I find it difficult to sleep through the night, my mind is restless. Sometimes, I find myself just staring off into space....I guess my head just needs a moment away from it all.
Each day seems to bring something different and we need to be purposeful to find some happy moments. Sometimes I am too tired to do that, too.
I am not ready to let him go. My emotions run like a roller coaster, one minute I can handle talking about him, the next I am in tears at the thought of him. He is hooked up to oxygen now and there is tubing running over their floor...it should help him with his labored breathing. Mom looks tired most of the time, daily chores become very labor intensive. My brothers stay in touch with my parents daily, now.
I find it difficult to sleep through the night, my mind is restless. Sometimes, I find myself just staring off into space....I guess my head just needs a moment away from it all.
Each day seems to bring something different and we need to be purposeful to find some happy moments. Sometimes I am too tired to do that, too.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Supposedly, three Doctors involved. 1 - Dad's own general practitioner. 2. The Internal Medicine Man (respitory specialist) and the Oncologist/radiologist at the Cancer clinic.
Back in March this year while Dad was in hospitial he had a biopsy done that showed no results.
Not enough tissue was retrieved, apparently. So he went through the sore throat, uneasy feeling after...for not.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I took Dad to City Hospital for another biospsy....same type....same results we find out today....not enough tissue retrieved for results. I have questioned why the biospy...when the Cancer clinic is only going to give him one shot of radiation knowing what type of cancer he has or not??? did I misunderstand, the Doctor called Mom tonight and asked for Dad to be brought in again for a different "angle" biopsy. Mom is in tears, sobbing on the phone. She told the Doctor, NO....he's 85 years old....this is too much. Doctor agreed. (what did he not look at his chart and know Dad's age?????) Now Mom is crying,...did she do the right thing, should the biopsy be done....would there be more treatment if they got more tissue? So many questions to think about, worry about and Dad....well, Dad doesn't have an opinion ....even when questioned directly..his answer is always the same. I dunno, Mom and Donna will figure out what's best. No pressure...I mean really?. He is the most passive man on the planet Earth, but you would think he would care about his welfare....no, he leaves that in trusting hands of his wife and his kid - me. Stress.....comes in many forms...but no one ever could have told me it would come in the form of this kind.
Back in March this year while Dad was in hospitial he had a biopsy done that showed no results.
Not enough tissue was retrieved, apparently. So he went through the sore throat, uneasy feeling after...for not.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I took Dad to City Hospital for another biospsy....same type....same results we find out today....not enough tissue retrieved for results. I have questioned why the biospy...when the Cancer clinic is only going to give him one shot of radiation knowing what type of cancer he has or not??? did I misunderstand, the Doctor called Mom tonight and asked for Dad to be brought in again for a different "angle" biopsy. Mom is in tears, sobbing on the phone. She told the Doctor, NO....he's 85 years old....this is too much. Doctor agreed. (what did he not look at his chart and know Dad's age?????) Now Mom is crying,...did she do the right thing, should the biopsy be done....would there be more treatment if they got more tissue? So many questions to think about, worry about and Dad....well, Dad doesn't have an opinion ....even when questioned directly..his answer is always the same. I dunno, Mom and Donna will figure out what's best. No pressure...I mean really?. He is the most passive man on the planet Earth, but you would think he would care about his welfare....no, he leaves that in trusting hands of his wife and his kid - me. Stress.....comes in many forms...but no one ever could have told me it would come in the form of this kind.
Friday, June 15, 2007
selfless....or....martyr....that is the question?
I have been diligently questioned about seeing a counsellor, a loved one is concerned over my welfare.
I thought that I was being selfless and giving, but.....the word martyr was brought into the conversation....pointed at me! There was talk that I was aging, becoming far too stressed and such. But, I am in a difficult situation here, my Dad is dying of lung cancer....my Mom is ...well, I feel like I can be a bit of a puppet, lets just put it that way! I always thought it was good to do for others, but if it gives you stomach aches, guilt blankets and words are bantered about in your presence that you don't do this..or that.....well, then....yes there is added stress. I am doing my level best to keep my own house in order, vent to friends and family, but there is little time for a lot of laughter and fun at the moment.
My Dad is sick. Work has it's own issues of great reality. Friends are dealing with issues of their own and we talk back and forth about family matters, matters of the heart and just plain old bitching some days.
Most people lose weight during difficult times in life, not me...gotta be different. oh, boy! I used to lose weight when stressed, but not any more.....things change.
I have to find time for me.....somewhere somehow....but it's difficult even carving out time to poke about in the yard without an agenda.
oh boy.
too much to ponder when my brain is flitting about elsewhere.......good grief.
I thought that I was being selfless and giving, but.....the word martyr was brought into the conversation....pointed at me! There was talk that I was aging, becoming far too stressed and such. But, I am in a difficult situation here, my Dad is dying of lung cancer....my Mom is ...well, I feel like I can be a bit of a puppet, lets just put it that way! I always thought it was good to do for others, but if it gives you stomach aches, guilt blankets and words are bantered about in your presence that you don't do this..or that.....well, then....yes there is added stress. I am doing my level best to keep my own house in order, vent to friends and family, but there is little time for a lot of laughter and fun at the moment.
My Dad is sick. Work has it's own issues of great reality. Friends are dealing with issues of their own and we talk back and forth about family matters, matters of the heart and just plain old bitching some days.
Most people lose weight during difficult times in life, not me...gotta be different. oh, boy! I used to lose weight when stressed, but not any more.....things change.
I have to find time for me.....somewhere somehow....but it's difficult even carving out time to poke about in the yard without an agenda.
oh boy.
too much to ponder when my brain is flitting about elsewhere.......good grief.
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