elusive things.....

Some elusive things in my life lately have been:
REST - cannot seem to get enough sleep or rest. That is a first for me, as I usual hit the pillow and I am out like a light, these days I am wake up in the middle of the night for one reason or another then find it really difficult to quiet my mind and body enough to go back to sleep quickly.

SANDALS - sounds simple enough. Locate a pair of sandals, find your size and purchase them. Well, female sandals are much the same throughout the city at the moment. They are all made with little heels, tall heels, chubby heels, wedged heels....all very nice and impractical. I need practical, I'm on a cement floor at work and my feet demand flat, comfortable, properly fitted shoes....now with that in mind ....go looking for sandals. Oh, yeah there is the thong, the flip flop, the little plastic ones that melt to your feet as the days goes on!! I searched and searched for walking sandals that would not cost a small house payment!! I did finally find a pair, but it took almost two weeks of searching....really how elusive should summer sandals be?

Good health - I am tired of this cough/cold thing. It's been too long with me, I have been to the Doctor...it's just gonna take time. Doesn't make me any happier knowing that it's just gonna take time.....ah, well. Soon.

Contentment - I am fairly jumpy these days. When the phone rings, questions pop into my head - is Dad okay? is Mom okay? something happen? I don't seem to find myself "settled" anymore, anxious would be a good word, I suppose.

Those are a few things that are elusive.....but life is okay. We are moving along day by day, trying to enjoy things as they come along, taking the bad along with the good. Today, hopefully if all goes well, Dad & Mom will be here for a little while and if the weather permits we can sit out on the deck for a bit. Little things like that, hoping it makes Dad feel good to be outside with family around. Watching Molly blow bubbles, listening to the birds sing and smelling the barbequed hamburgers .......not everything is elusive, sometimes you gotta grab hold of a few of the good things in life and hang on to 'em for a few minutes!!!

the sound of his voice

Tonight I talked on the phone with my Dad. He seldom talks on the phone, it's not his favorite thing to do, EVER. But Mom was out enjoying some singing and I thought I'd check in on Dad.
We chatted for a while. It was nice. When I hung up the phone, I realized that each time I asked about my Dad's health, he would answer very simply then talk about me......
"Dad how is your stomach feeling tonight?"
"Not quite so gurgly. How is your cold?"
"I am feeling better thanks. Dad, where you able to eat much today?"
"oh..enough. You make sure you get some sleep tonight? Rest will help you get over that cold."
You don't want to get yourself run down." "Do you think you might come here for lunch tomorrow?"
"If I know that I won't be sharing my cold, I will be there....I'll call you in the morning."
"What's all the clacking?"
"oh....I'm just doing the dishes."
"Where's Brett?.....??"
"uh...Dad he made supper, so I'm doing the dishes (smile)"
"oh..."

It would seem to me, that most of my life....my Dad feels I work to hard, do too much, love more than most, spread myself too thin.....yup, that's my Dad....that's why tonight after my conversation with him, I cried. Cried hard. I am going to miss that man something awful when he is called Home. For now, I treasure the moments when I walk in their apartment and he sits in his chair and waits for me to come around the corner, we share a knowing look when Mom walks out of the room after she has talked about cleaning all morning (I actually tease her about having that pink cloth going to the grave with her ----it's always in her hand), finding a candy that I know he will enjoy, little things are really important now.....memories tucked away.
Still made me cry tonight. Can't help myself.

Here we go ......again....

The fever has hit.
The fairways are calling.
The shoes have been dusted off.
The clubs are arranged, neatly.

Yessireee, here goes another golf season.

I have not been bite by the golf bug. I , as yet, do not find walking (or riding in a cart) around nine holes of a golf course enjoyable to the point I want to do it again right away...making up eighteen holes. Heaven help me. I get distracted by the different plants growing on the edges, I check out the flower beds much too often, I watch for wild life instead of concentrating on the game. I tend to want to use my golf club like a baseball bat....it's not pretty. I am better off staying at home, puttering around the yard or reading. My husband on the other hand is crazed over the sport!
I know he is holding onto hope that one day I will find that I, too, have been bitten by the golf bug....maybe someday..but for now....ah, once or twice a season is perfectly fine with moi to take out the clubs and hammer away at the turf....make an idiot of myself at the tee box by slicing the ball straight into the bush, or how about the time I hit "into" the ball so hard that I actually drifted my club into the ground so hard I sprained by wrist and it swelled up like a bee bite me.
Good grief. Tis the season....but it ain't for me....not yet, anyway.
Maybe lessons would be a good idea....actually I tried that a few years ago...the guy tried to tell me I was a natural.....I MEAN REALLY!! I know when something isn't working so good....golf and me...not natural. Best to stick with what I know at the moment......puttering around the yard and reading. Unless of course, I can drive the cart......ah....let me re-think this stuff.


Okay, I have thought about it....NAH

a little gift.....

Being home with a cold really sucks.
My glasses sitting on my nose is painful, the sinus cold makes the headache horrid and all parts near the area of sinus makes it terribly tender...therefore the glasses sitting on the nose is a bit of a particular irritant. I have tried to read some, but...again the headache. Yesterday night was the worst. I don't think my poor husband got much more sleep than I did, I was up sipping water, blowing my nose and trying to breathe!! Today he came home with some sinus medicine. He told me I was black under the eyes and looked rough.....YA THINK!!?....so he kindly brought home some medicine. This afternoon about three o'clock the headache was removed. But don't believe it when they write non-drowsy on those packages...I was out like a light for over an hour n half. Woke up to the tv quietly in the background....and one of my most favorite shows was playing "Fried Green Tomatoes". Oh, I love that show. So the headache is gonzo, a movie I love was playing ....all I did was blow my nose and sip 7 up this afternoon. Small relief, I know....but hey relief...is a beginning!!

hear it, absorb it....caught it

Two days ago on the radio I heard that it's once again flu/cold season. Did not think much of it as I have warded off two of them this winter with the Cold FX product. Then wham.
At work, I sneezed constantly for the entire day...not other sign of the "cold" just the sneezing so I thought maybe it was something in the air. Wrong.
Next morning, feeling low, achy and a wee bit miserable. Went to the medicine cabinet...oh, no.
I gave the last of my Cold FX to my brother.....oh, dear. So when I got home from work 8 hours later I ran to the drug store and picked some up....hoping. Nah. Too late.
Today, it's affirmed....I got the cold. Sound like someone shoved kleenex in my head/nose, breathing is a little tough through the nose but for the most part I'm dealing with it. Too bad about the Cold FX being out....as it sure worked the last two times.
Know better for next time, I suppose.
Better get more kleenex, too.
Ah....choo.
later, folks.

wrestling with wandering senses and flitting thoughts

Learning to draw water up from the spiritual well?
hard labor, indeed.
Constant flitting from one worldly distraction to another.
Awareness of "listening" in order to "do" so that we may learn that when God speaks we hear and act upon. A consistent renewal of our minds - meditating, quiet time, waiting, studying.

so easily said and so difficult to remain doing.

Getting caught up in emotions & physical ailments seem to drain one's time to find spiritual renewal, but it's the time when it's needed most. Learning to let go, quiet one's mind, relax one's body so that you can be restored, renewed and refreshed....is a difficult task indeed. but one needs to be "in deed"....I have found little if any time to be prayerful, quiet and refreshed. It shows, I feel it.

God grace. Amazing.

life is a highway

I took the brother to the airport Friday afternoon. It was good of him to visit with Mom and Dad for the length of time he did, amazing actually.
It's strange having an adult sibling who lives so far away on the planet, whom I seldom have communication, with staying at the house. Our lives are so entirely different, his is about making money and constantly being "on the go", the stories he told....well, if I didn't have curly hair already I believe I would have now. His path is uncluttered by relationships. Relationships are pillars of which I am completely and contentedly surrounded with. My friends and family are interwoven, integral webbing of my life.

Brooke spent time with me yesterday afternoon after we dropped LRL at the airport. It was nice to have my daughter be a part of my day, she is full of sunshine and goodness, her smile brings happiness with it. She is feeling much better but will likely have another surgery in a couple of months, after that we hope and pray she will be completely healed!!

Our son is playing basketball this weekend away from home. Basketball continues to be one of the loves of his life, nice to be able to enjoy playing a sport you love then sitting outside with a few close friends talking about the game......soaking up some sunshine and sipping on a few pop.

Tomorrow the weather is suppose to be fantastic. I will, however, be inside the entire day....ah, well there will be other nice days to behold. It's just so great to finally have some warm weather coming our way.....snow, fresh on the ground two days ago then....wham....tanning weather. Only in Saskatchewan!!

Why?

Molly asks that all the time now....why?
Yesterday was quite a milestone. We had Easter dinner with Mom, Dad, my brother from Australia Larry, our kids & their families. It was a great day. Dad grew tired, but hung in there for reasons of his own, I suppose. But it was a nice day for a great memory. I did go to the bedroom and cry twice....not over what you might think, considering all that has been going on with my Dad. No, my brother continues to plead with our kids to leave Saskatchewan, to see the world....I know our son has no intention of moving away, no problem there. It's our daughter, who chats up a storm .....and my thoughts go directly to Molly. (Crap...I just burst into tears again....crap!) Just the thought of not being able to get a hug, see her little dimples or know she was just a few moments away about tears my heart right outta my chest. I know that they have no evident plans of moving away, but just having that thought in my head woke me up at four this morning in tears. What an emotional mess, I must be. I never understood how much love you could have for a grandchild until Molly's little hand held mine, rocking her too sleep, having her hold my cheeks with her little hands and say right into my eyes "I love you, Gramma", or like yesterday she pushed her tiny little nose into mine (not so tiny nose) and said over and over again whilst looking into my eyes...."Gramma, wanna go downstairs with me?" I said "what?" just so she would do it again. On Thursday, she gave me the longest hug before leaving the house, moments that forever are engraved into my heart.
My thoughts, my heart.....just an emotional day, I suppose....well, let's chalk it up to that anyway.

As I said my brother from Australia is here for a visit with Mom and Dad. That will perk Dad up like no medicine can, his boy(s) in the same room as him makes him feel better just that alone....does it. I am glad.

Yesterday at church.....sat in "movie chair seats" wow...talk about comfortable. Met a friend that is battling breast cancer, she glows with happiness, exuberance and life....what an amazing woman she is.....what a great attitude.

Life can sure through you curves now and then, we all deal with stuff ....each in our own way.
Today, I think I just need some quiet time, my emotions seem to be at an all time high.....yeash.
If this is menopause, I could do with out the tears part, I tell ya...good grief.

A guiding hand.......

Some weeks ago when Dad was in hospital the Drs. there want to do a specific type of biopsy. They talked about doing it soon....as within the next few days.....I balked. Then the weekend had past and the Drs. talked again about making arrangements for doing this specific biopsy meanwhile Dad is laying in that hospital bed, unattached to an IV, no more oxygen.....losing strength and will daily. I felt convicted to get him out. So one afternoon I chatted over the phone with one of his Drs. and told her that I was taking Dad home. The biopsy arrangements could be made after he had a few days of contentment at home through their regular Doctor, if that was what the next step would be.....hmmm. Yesterday a thoracic surgeon confirmed my fear, if that biopsy had been performed Dad probably would not make it through. Due to the placement of the mass, due to a large artery that overlays the mass....it would be almost impossible to do that biopsy without damage to Dad!! Her experience spoke volumes. God's voice spoke in my ear. The thoracic surgeon is going to go head to head, face to face with the radiologist/oncologist to get Dad a couple of radiation hits that will help shrink the mass....without the biopsy. It's nice to know that the Holy Spirit continues to whisper in my ear, and thankfully I listened!! It brings tears to my eyes each time I think of it. God knows what would have happened if we would have went ahead with that biopsy.....now, thankfully we do too!! What a blessing within such a difficult time.

I thank each and everyone who has prayed.....never doubt it....He is listening.

Bohemian.....

I don't mean Bohemian as in unconventional, or artsy....I mean plain, earthy and real. That is pretty much how I would like to describe myself. It just dawned on me that thats the way I feel is usually a little "bohemian". I sometimes wear "different" type of clothing,...no hippy-chick here; just me....being me. Add sensitive to bohemian, and you get a realistic, earthy, but touchy human being....yup that would be me these days.
I'm fed up with so many things, my patience runs thin at work as there seems to be a virus in the air that makes people complain, say things they have no business saying/asking. I know I'm tired and hyper-sensitive so I am doing my level best to heighten my patience level, but sometimes it has reach it's limitations and I need to "walk away".

So much going on within the family unit. My Dad will see yet another specialist tomorrow....it is so difficult for him to even get from the apartment into the car never mind find the strength to go to a appointment, but it's what needs to be done. Poor Dad will be completely wore out after tomorrow afternoon. He has lost approx. 50 pounds now, he's so thin in comparison to what he used to be. He rests about 70% of the day, the other 30% take up watching a little tv, having a meal ...that's about it. He remains pain-free, what a blessing that has been. He has had a few melancholy moments, those are so terribly tough on the heartstrings. But, for now we are content to know that he is pain-free and peaceful remaining at home with Mom tending to 99.9% of his needs. She's not really healthy either, what with her having battled breast cancer, a heart condition and her constant battle with leukemia....but she's an independent, feisty woman who won't give in to much.....tenacious would be a good word to describe my Mother.
She has been by Dad's side constantly through these past weeks, tired and weary but there!

Our daughter took a trip to emergency on Monday. Went on to have some surgery Monday night, a little stay overnight in hospital and then sent home to recover. She is a tough little cookie and doing everything she can to heal quickly. Her husband is a great guy, watching over their little girl, watching over his wife and trying to keep life in balance.

Life sure can be a roller coaster sometimes. But, this old gal is trying to have her feet firmly planted on the ground, her faith strong and putting in one day at a time. The bohemian part just adds some "depth" to my life, I'm thinkin'......